A Month of Mays: May We Forgive Bad Parenting
Tomorrow being Mother’s Day, it’s a perfect opportunity to take a look at the topic of parenting. We all have our own ideas about what is good parenting and bad parenting. As a parent myself, I really struggled to meet my own standards of good parenting, and I made things worse by trying to make my partner meet them too. For the sake of our own sanity, I think it’s so important to accept the dark side of parenting.
Many of us, especially before we have our own kids, judge our parents for the way they raised us. I’m sure we all have at least one experience that made us say “I will never do that to my own child,” at some point. We blame their poor parenting skills for our weaknesses and arrogantly believe that if we do the opposite of what they did, our kids will turn out ok. We smugly judge the parents of children behaving badly in public places. “That kid is spoiled rotten,” we think.
Then you become a parent, and you eat your own words.
The Reality of Being a Parent
There’s nothing more humbling than becoming a parent. Babies push you to your physical limits and challenge your mental stability. They expect every need to be met instantly and don’t care how tired you are from waking up every 2 hours. I never knew how short-tempered I could become when I’m chronically sleep-deprived.
It’s not any easier when they get a little older. When you see other parents losing it in the grocery store, you get it. You hear your own parents when you yell at your children. You realize you can’t raise your children without making them cry or having them get mad at you at some point. It’s heart-breaking, terrifying, and frustrating, all at the same time.
Time to Let Go of Parenting Expectations
We expect too much from parents. If we try to meet the children’s needs, we’re told “You’re spoiling them!” If we try to be a little more strict, though, then we’re being too controlling. When we give up and let go of control, then we’re told that’s neglect. You can’t win. There will always be someone who thinks you’re doing it wrong. And if you think back to before you had kids, you were one of those critics, too.
So, here’s my formula for keeping yourself from falling apart mentally as a parent. First and foremost, forgive your parents. Then, (I think this might be the most important step of all) forgive yourself for giving your parents hell. Next, allow your children the right to judge you however they see fit. Finally, forgive yourself for all the things they say you did wrong. You have to let go of the guilt, or it will eat you alive and make you more likely to lash out without warning. Repeat as often as necessary for the sake of everyone around you. Your children and your inner child will thank you for it.