When Being a Victim Creates More Victims

Posted On November 29, 2021

Tell me if you recognize this situation. Someone in your life does something that makes you feel hurt, so you tell that person how you feel. All you want is an apology, but what you get instead is an excuse, maybe even an accusation that it was really your fault in the first place. You feel this is unjustified, and you bring up a similar incident from the past as an example to strengthen your argument. The other person gets angry that you brought up something unrelated, though, and accuses you of being unfair. By now, you’re both frustrated and shouting. You both say words that hurt the other. You both believe yourselves to be victims of each other’s attacks.

It’s a tale as old as time.  It happens between family members, between lovers, friends and coworkers. You might have been on the receiving end of this from neighbors, casual acquaintances, and even total strangers. None of us are immune. We will, at some point in our lives, face relationship problems.

The reason is simple. We all live our lives believing we’re good people, doing the right things for right reasons. So when someone does or say something that doesn’t match our sense of what’s right, our survival instinct immediately notices. “This might threaten my survival,” it thinks. “This might destabilize the group we belong to. I have to convince this person to come around to the ‘good’ side.”

We’re All “Good” Here

But the thing is, there really is no “good” side. The person who just hurt your feelings is not “evil”. The other person’s survival instinct is reacting in the exact same way as yours. There are only 2 people who believe themselves to be “right” in an argument. We all just want everyone to agree with us so that all of us can feel safe in a harmonious group.

Of course, our lives are all unique, so our sense of right and wrong are also unique. Our mistake is in believing that we can somehow convince another person to be exactly the same as you. We have to first recognize that what we’re trying to do is futile. If we stubbornly continue to convince “them” to change their minds, we inch closer and closer to tearing “us” apart. It’s the opposite of what the survival instinct actually wants.

Are We Really the Victims?

When you see this predicament clearly, you recognize that we have to stop identifying ourselves as victims. When we frame ourselves as victims, we end up creating another one. The person whom you just accused of being a perpetrator is most likely not going to apologize. Instead, that person is probably going to feel like he or she has been unjustly accused. If, at this point, you take offense that the person didn’t own up to their “crime”, the loop will just continue on. At some point, someone has to make a choice to end it. Otherwise, you can make it into something that last for generations, like the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

We are not victims. We are just people who follow different sets of rules. The key to having good relationships is recognizing that the definitions of right and wrong, good vs. bad aren’t set in stone. When we do so, it’s much easier to agree to disagree. We take less offense over minor disagreements. We can be more flexible and accept each other’s differences.

When you are journaling, pick a person you feel resentful towards, then be brutally honest with yourself. Did you do or say things that were hurtful to that person, too? If you continue viewing yourself as the victim of this person, does it serve you? Are you using this person to deflect some of your responsibility for what happened?

Remember, as always, that we’re asking these questions in order to see ourselves more clearly. Don’t use them to judge yourself harshly. Go back and read my post on self-acceptance if you haven’t already. Accept every emotion that rise up, no matter how ugly. Don’t forget that the definition of “bad” is not set in stone. And give yourself a pat in the back for asking these tough questions in the first place. It really takes an enormous amount of courage to be honest with yourself!!